Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling in Boulder and Longmont
By Dan Michels, MA, LPC — Psychotherapist and Couples Counselor in Boulder, CO
Explore Couples Therapy
Why Conflict Can Be Healthy in Relationships
If you’re in a committed relationship, you’ve probably had your fair share of disagreements. As a couples therapist in Boulder and Longmont, one of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned (and now teach my clients) is this:
Fighting isn’t the problem — not knowing how to fight well is.
We all experience conflict. What sets strong couples apart is not how often they fight, but how they handle disagreements when they arise. Surprisingly, conflict can be collaborative, constructive, and even connective—but only if you learn how to practice it intentionally.
The Problem with Avoiding Fights
Many couples wait until they’re overwhelmed or emotionally flooded before addressing an issue. This usually means both partners are at a “5 out of 10” or higher on the emotional activation scale—where calm, collaborative problem-solving is much harder.
By waiting until conflict feels unavoidable, couples end up associating every fight with emotional exhaustion, disconnection, or worse.
That’s where practicing low-stakes conflict comes in.
Why Practicing Fighting Works
Just like learning a new instrument or getting in shape, conflict resolution is a skill—and skills improve with practice.
Try initiating small disagreements about everyday issues before they build into major fights. For example:
🧼 “It bugs me when you load the dishwasher front to back instead of back to front. Could we switch it up?”
This seems harmless, right? But it opens the door for how you both handle disagreement. If your partner gets defensive or dismissive—”Why are you so picky?”—you’re now in a fight not about the dishwasher, but about how you communicate during conflict. That’s the deeper layer that needs attention.
Creating a Culture of Healthy Conflict
By starting from a low emotional charge (a 1–3 on the activation scale), you’re more likely to communicate with empathy, curiosity, and openness. You also create new associations: conflict as an opportunity for growth rather than disconnection.
Start the conversation with phrases like:
🗣️ “Hey, I’m not upset, and you didn’t do anything wrong. I just want to share that what happened yesterday made me feel a bit dismissed.”
Setting the tone early helps prevent escalation and builds emotional safety—a foundational piece of any healthy relationship.
Follow-Up is Just as Important
A healthy communication habit is checking in after the conversation. A day or two later, say:
💬 “Hey, I’ve been thinking about our chat. How are you feeling about it now?”
This shows care, builds trust, and helps prevent resentment. It’s what I call maintenance-mode communication—essential to long-term relational health.
Train Your Conflict Muscles Weekly
Start with one intentional low-stakes disagreement per week. Think of it as going to the gym for your relationship. Over time, these “reps” will help you develop the skills, habits, and emotional intelligence needed for navigating bigger challenges together.
Why Couples Therapy Can Help
Couples therapy in Boulder and Longmont offers a powerful, supportive space to practice these skills. Working with a trained professional helps you:
- Resolve recurring conflicts more effectively
- Develop emotional regulation techniques
- Understand your attachment styles
- Improve communication and intimacy
In therapy, you can “fight” in real-time with a compassionate guide who helps you both feel seen and heard—and who ensures the process builds connection rather than erodes it.
Start Couples Therapy in Boulder or Longmont Today
If you and your partner are ready to turn conflict into a tool for growth, I invite you to learn more about my work. I specialize in couples therapy, marriage counseling, and premarital counseling using a variety of holistic, mindfulness-based techniques including:
- Hakomi and Gestalt Therapy
- Somatic Experiencing and Internal Family Systems (IFS)
- Attachment Theory and Neuroscience
- Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy and Psychedelic Integration
Serving Boulder, Longmont, and virtual clients across Colorado. Let’s build a stronger relationship—together.
